As I've mentoned I'm writing a fancy army list for ToS and I'm nearly done I just need a few brave marine deeds to add.
What follows is some pics of the mostly finished article and what's in it.
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Command Squad
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Kailar
Squad Roster:
Apothecary Sadona; Issued with Jumppack, Chain Sword and Bolt Pisto
3 Battle Brothers; Issued with Meltagun, Flamer and Jumppack.
Honoured Batttle Brother Vaay; Issued with, Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Granted the Honour of bearing a banner of the chapter.
Commendations:
My personal command squad has been outfitted with the best equipment available to deal with any battle field situation that may arise.
They served Captain Servais well and I Hope to work closely with them when cleansing Kastorel.
Squad One
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6a
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Dayar
Squad Roster:
Sergeant Dayar; Issued with Power fist, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
7 Battle Brothers; Issued with Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
2 Batttle Brothers; Issued with Meltagun, Chain Sword and Jumppack.
Commendations:
Having excelled against the Eldar on Faleen VII, Sergeant Dayar was awarded the 'Silver Skull' and has been permitted to lead the initial assault against the green skins when we make planet fall.
Brother Zanas has been put forward for commendation after felling two of the “Wraith Lord” Eldar creatures.
Brother Zanas has been put forward for commendation after felling two of the “Wraith Lord” Eldar creatures.
Squad Two
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6b
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Raavis
Squad Roster:
Squad Roster:
Sergeant Raavis; Issued with Power fist, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
7 Battle Brothers; Issued with Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
2 Batttle Brothers; Issued with Meltagun, Chain Sword and Jumppack.
Commendations:
Recently recruited from the 9th company sergeant Raavis and his men are as yet unproven in my care. Captain Greyis of the 9th speaks well of them however and each has more than earned his Koraia.
Recently recruited from the 9th company sergeant Raavis and his men are as yet unproven in my care. Captain Greyis of the 9th speaks well of them however and each has more than earned his Koraia.
Squad Three
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6c
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Aavenis
Squad Roster:
Squad Roster:
Sergeant Aavenis; Issued with Power fist, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
7 Battle Brothers; Issued with Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
2 Batttle Brothers; Issued with Meltagun, Chain Sword and Jumppack.
Commendations:
The only squad of 7th company not to take a casualty in the Faleen VII campaign. Sergeant Aavenis has also been awarded the crux terminatus from standing defiant over his dying captain after he slew the enemy psyker.
Without the squads gallant heroism we would have lost a priceless banner and relic of the chapter.
Squad Four
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6d
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Yannik
Squad Roster:
Squad Roster:
Sergeant Yannik; Issued with Power Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
7 Battle Brothers; Issued with Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
2 Batttle Brothers; Issued with Meltagun, Chain Sword and Jumppack.
Commendations:
Squad Six
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6e
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Vollen
Squad Roster:
Squad Roster:
Sergeant Vollen; Issued with Chain Sword, Infernus Pistol and Jumppack.
3 Battle Brothers; Issued with Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
1 Batttle Brother; Issued with Meltagun, Chain Sword and Jumppack.
Commendations:
Squad Seven
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6f
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company current strength: Squad Koltaan
Squad Roster:
Squad Roster:
Sergeant Koltaan; Issued with Chain Sword, Infernus Pistol and Jumppack.
3 Battle Brothers; Issued with Chain Sword, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
1 Batttle Brother; Issued with Meltagun, Chain Sword and Jumppack.
Commendations:
Special Addition
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6g
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: 7th company Additional Strength
Two members of the chapters Apothecarium have been attached to the company due to the inherent higher casualty rate on such a campaign.
Two members of the chapters Apothecarium have been attached to the company due to the inherent higher casualty rate on such a campaign.
They have been issued with a Lightning Claw, Bolt Pistol and Jumppack.
They have been assigned to squads Dayar and Raavis.
The Strike force will redevous with Shadow Captain Korvydae at the drop site. His request for assault reinforcements has not fallen on deaf ears.
I lament however the need to end the Faleen VII campaign with such a rash attack, which while effective led to such a loss of the chapters strength.
I lament however the need to end the Faleen VII campaign with such a rash attack, which while effective led to such a loss of the chapters strength.
Special Addition
Data File: long range transmission 0/223/Kastorel/6g
992.974.M41
Librarian Kailar to Deliverance
Subject: Codicier Kailar
While my skills are well documented by the librarium I will commit them here to further the record of the campaign.
After the death of Shadow Captain Servais I have been promoted to lead 7th company on this campaign until the chapter masters can nominate a suitable replacement.
I am proficient with the psychic techniques of “Blood Lance” and “Might of Heroes”
Addendum:
Report that follows this will be sent by apothecary Sadona and will outline casualties sustained during the Faleen VII campaign.
The company is currently operating 50%.
This will adjust how we engage the green skins, suggesting a need for a guerrilla assault over a conventional deep striking attack.
Report that follows this will be sent by apothecary Sadona and will outline casualties sustained during the Faleen VII campaign.
The company is currently operating 50%.
This will adjust how we engage the green skins, suggesting a need for a guerrilla assault over a conventional deep striking attack.
Thanks in advance
Citizen
so.....huh?
ReplyDeleteSeveral of your uses of the word 'Battle' have 3 t's in them ;-)
ReplyDeletethats less helpful than you think
ReplyDeleteperticuarly as critisism goes... :S
god damn it
ReplyDeleteTy GMort
This is going to sound like I think it's crap, I don't I just think there are some things you could do to make it more engaging to your readers and to help the whole thing flow a bit better.
ReplyDelete1. Change the Title
Currently from reading the title page it seems like the name Kastorel Novem (KN) is a fancy way of saying army roster, not the name of planet under attack. If you changed it fairly simply to 'Kastorel Novem Liberation' it would give people and idea that KN is either a planet or sector that's under attack.
2. Add Some General Background
Add a page explaining whats going on on KN, who Servais was, why Kailar's leading the strike force and such stuff like that. Also, choose one of two styles to write it in, either from the perspective of Kailar telling Deliverance that he's helping out or from the position of deliverance telling Kailar what he's got to do (to me it currently reads as both but i may be interpreting it wrong). If I were you I would do it from the perspective of Kailar and have it as if he's returning from a campaign and diverts to help the liberation force on KN but that's just me.
3. change the layout
It currently feels a bit muddled with bits of fluff scattered throughout the roster with nothing to really tie it together, I would lay it out like this:
TITLE PAGE
PAGE 1 - BACKGROUND INFO
PAGE 2-10 - ROSTER INC. BACKGROUND ON EACH UNIT (PAGE PER UNIT)
PAGE 11 - TACTICS AND MISC. NOTES
What that should help to do is give a better flow to the document as it gives the reader an overall view of whats going on before they read the nitty gritty details.
4. Check your spelling
A few that I noticed:
Jumppack should be two words
Apothecarion not Apothecarium
Pistol is missing the 'l' for your Apothecary
Apothecary is a title so should always be capitalised.
5. Paint the Raven's Skulls on the front and wear the leather book slightly
Currently the plastic raven skulls look just like plastic raven skulls, if I were you I would paint them up properly to look like bone like you would do on a model. Also the book looks too new for the 41st millenium, try scuffing up the edges and bending it a bit to add some cracks to the finish.
There's quite alot of stuff there but if you're going for gold you really need for it to be as near perfect as possible. Hopefully it all makes sense, if not give me a call or drop me an e-mail and we can talk it over more.